As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just high enough for therapy.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
