Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
My vagina is very pro this idea
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
