I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
