I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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