You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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