I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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