Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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