I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
