i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
