Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
