yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
As shirtless as possible
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
