i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
