My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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