he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
