does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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