I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
