I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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