I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
