I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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