he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
