Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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