There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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