I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
