My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
