I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
