This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize