I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize