That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize