When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize