Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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