when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize