dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
