my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize