btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
