she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
