I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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