i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
