too bad you live with your parents still
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
