I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
