i think my mom watched the whole time
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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