I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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