My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
