i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
