What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
