if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
