No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize