I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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