thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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