Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
