Taylor Swift is so right about you.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
