My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
