Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
