He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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