Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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