Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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