I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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