I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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