so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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