Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I AM VODKA MAN
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
