you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
