Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize