you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
