I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize