The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Randomize
