i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
birth control should be required to get into college
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
