His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
